Writing on the Wall

Where to start?  Bleck.  Argh.  Thbbbbt! 


There's a part of me so proud of the changes I've made...and a part of me discouraged by the habits that linger.  It's like I've just caught myself drawing on the walls in Sharpie; I'm simultaneously impressed by the artistry, and pissed about the mess to be undone.

While during these last quiet months I can celebrate the fact that, since August, I've not incurred additional debt, I can also bemoan the fact that creditors call hourly.  

You see, in September while short on dollars to cover all bases, I paid only a portion of my monthly payment on two accounts.  I figured, "Can't pay it all, but I'll demonstrate the effort.  Surely, in these hard times, the credit companies will recognize and respect this."  Not so.  The next month, the calls and recorded messages began, "This is Lisa, please contact us to discuss some options for repayment of your account."  Apparently, despite the fact that my October payment was full and on time, the lacking full payment from September haunts me still as "late."  A mar on my credit and a major annoyance.  Talking with the representatives has been helpful, and I continue to pay my minimum plus additional dollars to close the gap of what's due, but I've garnered some late payments and haven't helped my credit rating.

Additionally, I've done a great job of avoiding that vital step called "monthly budgeting."  While I've made it to the end of the month without begging, borrowing, or stealing, I'm sick of the uneasiness this creates...and the dumb choices I make. 


This holiday season I'm pleased to state that I made more gifts than I purchases, all with less expense and greater value.  I've cut and colored my own hair.  I've saved for, rather than charged, the basic cosmetics and hair products when they've run out.  I've even stoked up the ole crockpot for less expensive and less time intensive meals.  Repurposing clothing?  I'm all about it.  I'm making changes... and, I'll admit, really enjoying the results.  

BUT, I'm not over the hump yet.  And the bleak picture of forever pinching pennies absolutely drives me crazy.  Will I ever have enough money to go on vacation?  Will I ever get to purchase jeans that actually fit me again?  What kind of additional income can I generate to actually push me through this as fast as possible without sacrificing time with my son or my sanity?  When can I quit shopping at WinCo, the warehouse store where little children scream and holler about buying another box of SugarPops and parents wheeze to heft up another case of soda, but we all get good deals?

Aaaaaargggggh!  I absolutely hate this.  

While it's comforting to share in the notion that many Americans share my plight in this time of economic unrest, it doesn't make it better, or finished, or history.  And I want to be done.  If success is measured by desire, I am sure to hit my goal of debtlessness by September 4, 2012.  Sure to hit my goal.

So, today, I measure my victories in the war against my bad habits, and renew the surge against the situation.  Today, I pencil in the budget one more time and finally make that call to a consumer credit counseling service.  Damn it.  Damn it.  Damn it.  Writing's on the wall.